The 2008 Olympics might be the most overrated thing on television since someone decided to film a remake of 90210 (not that I’ve ever watched either the old, or the new versions). What marketing team sat down and decided that it would be a great idea to add 24-hours/7 days-a-week of athletes running around in spandex, participating in sports that are popular for about two days every four years?

Because really, I would like to meet the five people in the world who enjoy watching solo synchronized swimming, table tennis, or rowing? How about bringing back some of the all time favorites like Live pigeon shooting (1900), Dueling pistol (1906), Swimming obstacle race (1900 - this one sounds like something off a Japanese Game Show), or Human Tetris (never - yet).

The worst part about the Olympics? They cancel out everything else that 89 percent of people watch at night, like Conan O’Brien (OK, i made that last statistic up). The Olympics are probably also the reason why the season premier of the ‘The Office’ and ‘30 Rock’ are delayed until September (Summer rerun season is also overrated).

Come on September…you can’t arrive soon enough! The beard might return before the Olympics end…

For all my two-wheel riding friends…

At my office, i have a calendar of different office jokes. A few of them are actually funny, including the ‘50 Days Worse than Yours‘ series. Fast forward to today when i check my email and see a ‘Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-fil-A’ message. Basically, dress up like a cow, get a free meal.

Now rewind about one year to summer ‘07. At this point, i was still working at the Y doing everyone else’s job (try explaining that on a resume. Job Position: “Everything”). It was just before summer and we were promoting our summer camp programs, trying to raise enrollment. As part of the promotion program, we did weekly camp info nights at local chick-fil-a restaurants. As part of this, they wanted us to dress up in the chick-fil-a cow costume, shake hands/hoofs, and dance around with all the kids.

First of all, after two summers working at a summer camp, i can honestly say i do not enjoy working with kids. they smell, they kick, they make dumb jokes (worse than mine) and they’re short. imagine my horror when my boss says (in her best bill lumberg sounding voice) “mmmmmm yeeeeeeaaahhh… listen, i’m going to need you to come in thursday night and put on the cow costume for 2094328 hours ok? yeeeeeeahh.”

So not only would i have to hang out with kids crawling all over me, but i’d be wearing 25 pounds of hot, sweaty fur that who knows whom else had put on. FAIL.

Long story short, I only had to wear the cow once and somehow, amazingly, i was able to get out of doing it the rest of the summer.  Never once when graduating from college, with a degree, did i think that I would have to put on a fake animal and prance around on fake hooves, with children clinging to me while i was stuck inside a cow that smelled like old, worn-out grandma. Thank God they have a head on the costume so i don’t have to show the world my face with the body of a cow. I’m sure all the 20-something soccer moms loved it though.

So far, the new job doesn’t entail dressing up like a mascot. For those reading this who have the power…don’t even think about it.

First of all, don’t get me wrong. I’m down with some hip hop, and Jay-Z is usually at the top of the game. But a recent show in the UK was a Jay-Z FAIL.

Z starts out the show with a guitar-hero style cover of Oasis ‘Wonderwall’.  Taking an overplayed song, forgetting some of the lyrics, and then pretending to play a live guitar on an acoustic set… Ultimate FAIL.  Following that, Z breaks out the ever-so-popular ‘99 Problems’ in a Aerosmith-Run DMC style with AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ playing in the background.  FAIL #2.

Hmm…not so much Z. Stick to the originals. Celebrities, they FAIL just like us.

So I woke up late and realized I had 10 minutes to make it to the dentist yesterday, all the way across town. This is the dentist who charges $50/per missed appointment; my running tally so far…3 missed appts. Somehow I made it within 15 minutes of my scheduled time. I don’t think they noticed (kind of like when you’re late for work but your boss doesn’t notice you’re there for the first 30 minutes anyway?)

As I’m sitting in the dentist chair, I look over (this part of the office is like a Mexican restaurant with low walls in between each dentist chair. Why they didn’t build a floor-to-ceiling wall??) and there’s a young kid who must be having his first visit to the dentist. It’s just a cleaning but he’s screaming bloody murder and I think he might just murder the dentist in another couple of minutes. Great. Not only do I hate coming to this place, but now  I can share in my misery with a screaming five year old 10 feet away.

Oh, and I should also mention that this dentist includes TV in front of each chair, up on the ceiling. Unfortunately in this case, the previous patient has set the channel to the home shopping network. After the first 30 seconds of “But not only that…with this diamond ring we’ll also include….” I want to rip out my eyes and tear the TV down from the wall. The TV remote is nowhere to be found.

As the dentist revs his drill and numbs me up, he asks me if it’s working. I stutter, “I thunphhhhh sthoooo.”

“With a dentist drill between your teeth, you speak only in vowels”

At this point, my entire cheek and lips are numb, leaving me mumbling like a college freshman at their first party. Next he starts up the drill; although this doesn’t seem to be an ordinary drill. This is the kind that they use to knock down buildings. Oh, and novocaine FAIL. Pretty sure the dentist numbed my face, but missed the point of numbing the part where he’s about to drill.

“I am Scott’s cold sweat.”

I zone out like Edward Norton in Fight Club.  I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. I started thinking about my upcoming vacations. I should insert that I haven’t taken a real vacation in well over a year and even then I only used two of my 10 vacation days. Taking time off of work is overrated. Who really wants to escape the 11 hours of sitting under fluorescent lights, hunting a misplaced comma and dealing with irate customers at 3 a.m.?

“I got in everyone’s hostile little face. Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, I’m comfortable with that. I am enlightened.”

This year, I’m not only taking one, but maybe (hopefully) three vacations.

The first one’s coming up in a few weeks. Buddy of mine from growing up is getting married in Charleston, and we’ll be spending a few days before hand camping out on the beach, sleeping in hammocks.

Then in September, there’s the strong possibility of a trip to Italy with my dad. This would be a week-long trip to Ispra, Italy: a small town just outside the Italian Alps. Ever since I saw Cliffhanger (filmed in Italy, taking place in Colorado, clearly one of the best films of all time), I’ve always wanted to see the Alps. My dad will still be in a conference the first two days I arrive so I’ll have to figure out how to get solo from Milan, Italy to this other town. I don’t speak a word of Italian, and I’ll probably have to rent a car. Just a heads up, if I don’t return in two weeks, start looking for me in Turkistan or Albania. Assuming I make it to Ispra, we’ll probably backpack around the alps for a few days, and then head down to the Med, stopping by Rome and some other places. Any suggestions from past Italy visitors?

Lastly, in October I’m planning on a trip to meet up with some friends in CO for a climbing/mountaineering/camping trip. There’s been talk of summiting a few 14′ers along with some biking, starting at 11,000 ft and going up. Only problem, 11,000 ft is 10,628 feet higher than where I live on a daily basis. Last time I tried this, I was wheezing and puffing up the mountain like Amy Winehouse on emphysema. Guess this means I need to start training in the gym like originally planned for the work 5k running team…

Until next time. Cheers!

Ahh…I think I’ve finally found an explanation for all the terrible drivers here in DC. They must all be 7-year-old Latarian Milton’s…two seven seven year olds cruising around town.

“I want to do it because it’s fun. It’s fun to do bad things…like drive into a car.”

Yep…that sums up about 1/2 of DC…

Ohh that runnnnning feeling, and now it’s gone, gone gone…(/end cheesy 80’s movies songs.)

The three week hiatus on the running seems to have taken on an ill-effect. Tonight’s run was a disappointment to the word “running”, and could be summed up as a FAIL-run. The outlook for the yet-to-be-determined 5K race is not looking good. Sorry Coach Skinner.

Though at this point, I should mention that I halfway made up for the lack of running with a midnight stroll around downtown DC last week.

After…

• Walking with some out-of-town friends and our company’s CEO back to their hotel
• Missing the last metro train out of DC (who knew the metro stops at midnight? Clearly a lack of happy-hour planning on part of the DC WMATA)
• Wondering if I could find an un-used bush to sleep in overnight (apparently there is a shortage of decent park benches to sleep under in DC, not to mention nary a stray newspaper in sight)
• And wandering around 17 blocks in search of the other friends (still at the company happy-hour in the most hard to find restaurant in all of Washington DC…only the cabbies from uzpakisturkmenstein knew where it was)

…I’d say I walked a good 73 miles that night. True story (almost).

Maybe I’ll enter a 5K bike race, or even better, a toddler fun walk/crawl…at least they won’t put me to shame with their hobbles and crawling.

When I get old and famous, and someone decides to roast me on Comedy Central, I would like one of my news editor friends to write something along the lines of what follows about me:

The SUV pulls to an abrupt stop on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City. In the middle of the westbound lane is a man in a loud shirt, his body coiled with energy, darting across traffic toward a strip mall.

The driver jumps visibly, and not merely at the presence of a human being on the pavement. It’s who that human is: Without the hasty application of power brakes, one of the most recognizable faces in the history of American television would have become one with the road.

But it’s lunchtime, after all. Good sushi (I’ll hold off on the raw fish thank you) is across the street. And a guy like William Shatner Maxwell is not about to be stopped by something as mundane as traffic.

Why did William Shatner Maxwell cross the road? Why has he ever? To get to the other side. To see what’s out there. To find out stuff and inhale the universe in his singular Shatnerian Maxwellian way. It’s the story of his life — and the lives of the characters he has breathed, spoken and shouted into existence over a 50-year performing career.

It’s the story of “Boston Legal” (insert new, catchy, 21st century TV show) bombast Denny Crane (insert cooler name than “Denny”…), racing to experience all life’s pleasures before Alzheimer’s drags him not-so-gentle into that good night. It’s the story of the Priceline Negotiator, that discount-travel maniac who barnstorms across the planet to get us better deals on hotels and flights (I do love cheap travel!). It’s the story of James T. Kirk, the wise and womanizing starship captain who led a crew of 23rd-century explorers across interstellar backroads (let’s work on this one, along with my awesome, new 21st century TV show).

And it’s the story of Shatner Maxwell himself — a man governed by his passions and interests, a man who crosses new roads every day, gleefully ignoring those who dismiss him and conquering frontiers he never dreamed possible. A cultural phenomenon who, despite tales of his galactic ego, seems strikingly down to Earth as he shapes and basks in the third golden age of his career.”

(original article blatantly borrowed from msnbc)

I can’t wait to see the Maxwellian trivia!

As I broke into a cold sweat and felt the onset of the intense coffee jitters, while on a forever-long phone call with someone named Abhishek arguing in broken english(?) at 1am, I couldn’t help but think that the new Starbucks energy + 2 shot espresso drink is the best thing since sliced bread. It’s amazing something like this is still legal.

I haven’t been this wired since they took away the free refills at the coffee shop on campus (Ahh the days of 10 cups of coffee in three hours. Farewell liver….).

Although I don’t smoke, I’d say this clip from the film ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’ pretty much sums up the experience quite nicely:

According to a new report, drinking water out of water bottles or straws is “like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day”. Apparently you make the same face drinking from a narrow bottle or straw that you would if you were smoking, which then causes “smokers lips”. Me-thinks Angelina must drink a six pack or two per day…

I’m sure some ’scientist’ was paid millions of dollars over three to four years to perform this study. How do these people find these jobs anyways? I’d like to get paid to sit around and come up with “Capitan Obvious” answers to dumb questions all day too. Well, at least they don’t mention drinking out of straws and narrow bottles causes cancer…yet.

Picture courtesy of refinance-free-credit.com.